It is that time of the year that I look back to reflect on my year. What a year this has been! I have done a lot of crying and I blame Tjontjo for it – someone or something has to shoulder the blame …it is the law of the universe 😉 . I found myself crying a lot more than I usually do in a year because I am trying so hard not to react in ways that I have been known to respond to situations in the past. And this exercise has led me to realise that having a strong exterior in itself doesn’t mean one has a strong interior. If not that, it means I am worn-out or was simply too hasty in the past to engage in war.

Well I cannot comment on that but I can say I took to heart the advice not to confuse a humbling act with humiliation. When the advice was given I was short of asking if I should just open up and swallow crap. The reason I didn’t pose such a question was that the advice simply suggested that I should learn to exercise the power to respond to situations instead of reacting. (But for those who know me well, the question would have been well in line with my interpretation; I subscribe to the philosophy WISINWIM – what is said is not what is meant.) I know some say such a philosophy makes me presumptous and I agree although not fully for I have been right even when I was wrong! This is another lesson learnt this year whilst in pursuit of the truth that my heart knew but for some reason I had to hear it (and later cry – the truth hurts but I can and shall always prefer the truth).

Another lesson learnt for the millionth time is that God has a healthy sense of humuor. This was the year that I was intending to stay in the black. I had planned my finances well but I was in recession long before anyone talked about it 🙂 . Now that didn’t make me cry for I have been making this promise since I started working moons ago!

Loneliness made me cry. This year I felt the true magnitude of the words captured in a Sesotho saying: “pulumo-ea-seema-se-inotsi” (a buck that stands by itself). These words I first heard them from Morena Mojela, who has recently passed away, at a funeral of his wife (may their souls rest in perfect peace). Anyway, I cannot begin to describe the feeling itself but I can tell you that the worst thing about feeling such alone is knowing that there are friends and family who love you dearly but for some strange reason you continue to feel lost. I found refuge in chocolate and now there is more of me to love 😉 .

So whats in the cards for next year? I don’t know but I am ready for I have learnt that with age expectations have to be adjusted and true contentment begins with making such adjustments. So as I celebrate getting closer to 30 on Thursday, I shall embrace all that lies ahead for me – the good and the bad – and the song that comes to mind for this glorious celebration is Joy and Pain (fragment of the lyrics shown below) by Frankie Beverly and Maze. All are welcome to dance with me, I know how to shake what my mama gave me 😀 !

…
Over and over you can be sure
There will be sorrow but you will endure
Where there’s a flower there’s the sun and the rain
Oh and it’s wonderful there both one and the same

Joy and pain are like sunshine and rain …