I know eavesdropping is not necessarily moral but I do it often when I dine alone (which is a lot in G-town). This week I listened with great interest and enthusiasm to what people had to say about polygamy. And it is not because I believe in the practice, for I DON’T! I just believe in the concept of culture.
First, let me state that I appreciate that understanding anyone’s culture is not an easy task. So my intention is not to be or sound virtuous. My intention is to merely pose a few questions that may hopefully help to differentiate culture from wrong-doing or even immorality.
From what I heard, it sounded to me like people had accepted Mr President’s statement that polygamy is a cultural practice. Indeed this is true, but only if accepted and understood in context.
For example, in Lesotho not every man can practice polygamy because not all men have a sizeable herd of cattle. Of course, I am not being literal here! My point is, not every man can have more than one wife unless the man can provide for the wives (without assistance from anyone 😉 ). That is, the man has to be on the wealthy side.
[It is important to note that the “clause” attached to wealth or affordance only applies when a man wants to practice polygamy. For monogamy, “monyala ka peli o nyala oa hae” . Roughly translated, this means with two cows one can marry. Therefore, even the poorest of the poor can marry since with love and honour one can build a family*.]
Ok, back on track…affordability is just one dimension. The other important dimension pertains to whether or not the wife or wives approve; for without approval the family will never be united. The question then to ask is: what does approval entail? Does the man go out to hunt or he merely expresses his desire to increase his ‘spread’ ? If he goes to hunt, is it before or after seeking approval?
To me, the answers to these questions define what is culturally acceptable and what is immoral. If approval is sought after a man has planted his seed that becomes rubber stamping and therefore that cannot be taken as part of traditional culture or any culture based on respect. And indeed, in such scenarios, as far as Sesotho culture is concerned, a man wouldn’t seek approval but would seek to make necessary amendments; precisely because he acknowledges his wrong-doing or immorality. When this acknowledgement is made, then we happily move forward since to forgive is divine!
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* Its interpretations such as this one that make me appreciate the depth of Sesotho language! As a by the way, the statement is a classic example of use of what is known as “mokhabo-puo-lepata”! Translated, this means language embellished with hidden meaning!
I find it very disturbing and unsettling that sometimes we African men tend to use culture when we have no reasonble explanation for our deeds. It is this reason that we find ourselves having to defend ourselves or justfy our culture even to nonentities. It is always brought at wrong instances. When we take the matter further you find many of us practising culture selectively i.e. when it benefits us or suitable to us. From what I know if you in polygamous marriage, or you intend to practice, there are very strict rules: one, the first wife has to approve based on the motivation and reasons advanced by the husband,for example may be the elder wife has reached menopause, is sickly, or cant bear children; two, the elder wife looks at the behaviour of the chosen wife to be an important blessing for the family. The chosen wife has to accept that she is marrying a man with children etc; most importantly, the man will sleep with no one except the wives, when he is not at one home its a given that he is sleeping at the second house.
As a modern man, I accept that things have changed and may be people no more have the same values and ethics as it was in times gone by, but we can try to at least adhere to the basic foundation of the polygamy institution. Your are required to be a man of good standing, principled, with love and respect of the wives, your children and famility.
In my clan Amamiya from Matatiele, I know the older generation had many wives, I have not heard of any man being pointed an illegitimate son or daughter of the elder generation born outside the marriages. That to me points to respect for the women and the culture itself by those men. I am not aware at least in our generation of man married to more than one wive. If there is, please exercise utmost respect for your wives, be fair and treat them equally and humanly, build a foundation for a harmonious inter existence between your children for the peace of your community. Ndiyabulela, makwande uxolo kubantu bonke beliwzwe lokowethu
Ka Sesotho u opile khomo lenaka! That is, you really have been truthful! I really appreciate that as man you have decided to add your voice to the conversation. Nowadays, a lot that is deemed to be cultural is really not. One fundamental aspect to any culture is respect. When respect ceases to exist, as far as I am concerned, “things fall apart”! It is respect that makes it a bit easier to understand why women may decide to grant their husbands permission to marry another; because one, at the very least, can accept that to be a respectably negotiated issue between parties concerned. (I could be wrong, but I believe good relationships are negotiated regularly and with utmost respect and sensitivity; thus if concerned parties are happy, I am okay with their decision unless it infringes on me ;-))