The more I strive for my soul to be at peace, the more I seem to battle with conflicting emotions. How can this be, I ask? It is 2010, the year I planned to cut off all negativity in my life in order to start another decade of existence in bliss or in the neighbourhood of it.

I ask again? How can it be that I seem so far and yet so near at the same time? Could it be I am addicted to conflict and as such peace is but an illusive creature to me? As I reflect, I find no easy answers!

In the name of peace, I have tried the putting the head down strategy and saying very little. But that hasn’t really worked and this has nothing to do with me loving the sound of my voice. It has everything to do with the fact that with some people, silence translates to the other party lacking awareness of what is happening. This of course, is far from the truth! The truth is that silence is kept merely to enable people to reflect on their actions and take corrective measures. This indeed is why we have clichés like silence is golden. But then again, we also have sayings to the effect that all it takes for evil to flourish is for good people to say and do nothing. (Hmmmmm…even my thoughts harbor conflict 🙁 .)

If I can recognise conflict in my emotions and thoughts, why can’t I just do away with it so that my soul finds the peace it longs for? And again, I ask? I ask for I seek answers. But I also ask because a part of me wonders if I will hear those answers when provided to me. I ask this because I do recognise my own sensitivity to spoken language.

I ask because this sensitivity threatens to turn me into a cynic and this scares me beyond believe. Perhaps I am already a cynic in denial, who knows? Personally, all I know is that I exist in a world where people are overly sensitive about the language they use because of political correctness and all that jazz about etiquette or need to show that one has social capital. Good or bad, what this means is that I feel people tend not to say what they mean. Instead, people say what they think is expected of them. And if at all I am right, I ask whether I will hear the truth? If not, without the truth, I ask, will I ever find peace?

I ask all of the above and still wish to ask many more questions but I am afraid. I am afraid because to ask them is to possibly feed the cynic in me. The cynic that might make me believe that social injustices will continue to go unnoticed because the semantics of our language is seemingly pure!*

Can anyone help me? For I ask but I know not whether I will hear the answers. I ask because I do believe in humanity and refuse to live life in cynicism! There are many good people out there who inspire me with the big and small things they do. Some of these people, are in my family and others I have the privilege of calling them friends. Inspite and despite it all, these people act as a reminder that peace can be attained and indeed the world can be a better place. Thus, because of these people, I ask my questions so that I can be a contributor of that which is good. I ask so that I can grow for myself and in their honour.

I ask and I ask for my soul seeks the answers and longs of peace. I ask. So please do answer me!

As I wait for my answers, stay strong and God bless!

___________

*Our language is seemingly pure in that by today’s standard a sexist can be called non-sexist if at all in their sexist behaviour the person makes no use of the word bitch!